Happiness Hotel
Author: Sher
Email: sher_sites@yahoo.com
Story Rating: PG
Anime: Gundam Wing
Pairing: Heero X Relena, Zechs X Noin
Summary: Based off the song "Happiness Hotel" by Jim Henson's Muppets. Sheer, utter nonsense and comedy. The Preventors rescue Relena and stop by a hole-in-the-wall dump of a hotel. Heero has it in his mind to stay, and no one else shares the opinion. X-D
"Happiness Hotel" A Preventer hummer was only so big. And where it may have been huge for one or two people, it was not quite large enough for eight Preventers and one Vice Foreign Minister.
It had started as any other mission. Une sent all of her top Preventers (including Quatre Winner, who normally did not attend missions) to retrieve Relena Dorlian, who had been taken hostage by yet another group of maniacal idiots hiding out in the Rockies of the former United States. Saving Relena was not a problem; indeed, the entire group seemed quite used to it, and between Zechs' older brother instincts, Noin's motherly protection instincts, and Heero's lover instincts, the acting terrorists were wiped out in no time. Relena wasn't hurt, simply a bit annoyed, and they started for the airport to catch the next flight to Europe.
However, by the time they reached the airport, they discovered it was storming, and forecasts predicted thunder, rain and lightening for the next two days as a front moved through. Heero and Zechs both grew impatient at the idea of waiting two days, so Wufei contacted a nearby Preventer base in Denver and requested a vehicle. Sally contacted the only airport that offered a direct flight to their destination - but unfortunately the airport was in South Dakota. She reserved a flight nevertheless, and everyone expected to make it back to Luxemburg within the two days it would have taken to wait on the Denver flight, even if they had to drive all the way across nearly three states.
The problem with driving was that it located them in the middle of the countryside, where there was nothing for miles at a stretch. Rolling fields and the occasionally barn got boring after a while. And while it was rather sunny going through parts of their drive, which proved a drastic contrast to the violent weather in Colorado, Zechs grew bored of driving and the former Gundam pilots were starting to get edgy around each other. By six o'clock in the afternoon, the sun was setting and Relena politely asked if they could find a place to stay the night before continuing the drive to the airport.
"A hotel would be great," Noin grumbled from the front seat, where she was pinned between Zechs and Sally. "But unfortunately, I haven't seen anything for the past one hundred miles."
Heero was scowling in the back of the hummer, seated next to Relena. "If Zechs hadn't been insistent that the back roads were a shortcut, we'd be on an interstate and nearer to hotels."
"Shut up, Yuy," Zechs muttered. "This is a shortcut. I'm cutting our driving time in half!"
"Hey, there's a sign!" Quatre's voice was cheerful as he pointed to a dilapidated, short billboard from ages long gone by, practically falling down and covered in old paint. "The Happiness Hotel. It sounds promising."
"It sounds way too cheerful," Wufei glared.
Noin shook her head. "Who knows how long that sign has been there? It's probably a historical site. I seriously doubt the hotel even exists any more, Quatre!"
"Unfortunately," Sally remarked, "it does."
Zechs was slowing down and everyone turned in surprise to look out of the right-side windows, but facial expressions proved that no one seemed too happy with what they saw. The Happiness Hotel looked as dilapidated as the billboard had. It was a two level wooden structure, with boards missing and window panes broken, and a dirt driveway that looked rather dusty. Chickens were scattered about the dry yard, and some old trees appeared fairly defeated in the early evening heat.
"That," Sally stated sarcastically, "is almost as promising as the billboard was."
"I vote we keep driving," Trowa answered in a monotone voice.
"There's nothing for another hundred miles on this road," Wufei responded with disgust. He was looking at a handheld computer, moving a pen-like object over the screen. "I've already checked."
"Well, we can at least go in and ask," Heero grumbled, opening a door and getting out while Zechs had the hummer at a standstill.
"Heero," Relena's voice was soft and almost chiding, "this really doesn't look like a good idea."
"We've slept everywhere else," Heero was already walking towards the porch, his duffel bag strapped over his back and smaller bag Noin had packed for Relena in his hand. "I'm sure this won't be any worse than sleeping on the floor. It's just for one night."
"Gee, that makes me feel much better," Sally sighed.
Zechs looked positively annoyed as he threw the hummer in park, and everyone slowly piled out after Heero, who had stopped on the porch and was glaring at a chicken that seemed to be watching him curiously. They gathered their luggage reluctantly and followed after him.
The door banged inward, though Heero hardly pushed it, and the entire front room - devoted to a large, dirty lobby - turned to look at him. He wrinkled his nose as the dust settled, revealing a less than clean place and some questionable guests. However, Wufei was right. There was nothing for another hundred miles, and they were all tired and exhausted. This would be fine for one night.
As Heero made his way to the front desk, which was situated on the right side of the door, an elderly gentleman in a faded shirt and tie nodded towards him. "Welcome to the Happiness Hotel!" he called cheerfully, with a slight country accent that made several of the Preventers twitch as they entered the front room.
"What's so happy about it?" Sally hissed under her breath as she glanced around. There was a blackened fire place on the opposite side of the room, surrounded by moth-eaten, dirty couches. A few people sat on them, holding guitars, and a drum set was rigged to one side. It appeared as though the band was some backwoods group, and this was their hangout joint.
Zechs' mouth had dropped open as he gazed up through the rafters, noting that some birds, squirrels and bats had nested there. He seemed stunned that such dirty, grimy place would even exist - or, perhaps more accurately, that someone would think he could stay in such a place, even for a night. Noin's eyes had narrowed as they scanned the floor, making note of the coating of dirt beneath her feet. Wufei's expression was thoroughly disgusted, and he made no effort to seem polite, and Trowa just looked annoyed. Relena was wrinkling her nose, trying not to touch anything, and Duo merely appeared morbidly curious. Only Heero seemed completely unfazed.
The man at the front desk put an unpolished nameplate on the old fashioned counter so everyone could read that he was the manager of the establishment, and with that he started flipping through a record book.
"So, this is the Happiness Hotel?" Quatre asked speculatively. He seemed to be holding his duffel bag a bit close to his body as his eyes darted nervously about.
The manager looked up, though no one could see his eyes for his thick eyebrows. He seemed to notice Sally's glare at the far side of the room and smiled. "Oh, there's no fire in the fireplace -"
"I noticed," Sally stated dryly.
"There's no carpet on the floor -"
"That too," Relena answered disapprovingly, lifting one foot slightly and shifting.
The manager was already marking on the book, as though making their reservations and giving them the final tips for staying in the hotel. "Don't try to order dinner, there's no kitchen anymore."
"Oh, just great! And I'm starved," Duo groaned.
Yet the manager still smiled, as though he hadn't heard any of them. "But if the road's been kinda bumpy and you need to rest a spell, well, welcome home to Happiness Hotel!"
"This does not look like any sort of home," Trowa frowned.
The manager made a mark in his book. "Hey, how are you guys fixing to pay?" he asked curiously.
Heero narrowed his eyes. "What are our choices?"
"A - Credit card," the manager ticked off on his fingers, "B - Cash, C - Sneak out in the middle of the night."
For some reason, everyone but Heero turned and looked at Duo, and Sally made a nodding gesture to get him to speak up. Duo caught on fast and quickly turned to the manager as Heero started to pull out cash. "We'll take C," he said in a decisive voice. Heero jumped and glared at him, but it was too late.
"Very popular choice," the manager nodded in agreement, marking it on the book. "If you've got luggage keep it handy -"
Everyone seemed to clutch at their bags convulsively - except Zechs, who was still staring open-mouthed about the room, Relena, whose bag was with Heero, and Heero, who looked as though he could care less for luggage and was more concerned and aggravated with Duo's interference.
"But you're running out of luck…" The manager looked a bit disappointed as he nodded towards two men sitting near the rickety stairs, playing a game of checkers, "'Cause the bellhops ain't too organized, and the elevator's stuck."
Duo looked up at the elevator, where the arrow was situated between the floor numbers 1 and 2. Sally noticed his gaze, and turned her eyes to the stairs. "Lovely. We have to walk up those things?" The stairs simply creaked in response and merely appeared as wooden planks nailed into the wall with a rotting banister.
"Still, if you don't mind friendly animals and can learn to stand the smell," the manager gestured to a chicken strutting about the lobby - it had obviously ventured in from outside before the screen door had shut, "well, welcome home to Happiness Hotel!"
It was at this point that Noin let out a small yelp, snatched her handgun from inside her Preventer jacket and proceeded to fire four times at the floor. "Cockroaches!" she snarled. "I HATE cockroaches!"
"Don't shoot!" Wufei yelled back at her. "The whole place might fall down!"
No one else in the lobby seemed too concerned that a gun had just been fired. In fact, most of them had joined the manager's little rendition, all of them out of key.
"Welcome home! Oh, welcome home! No matter where you wander, you will never do as well!"
"I think I'm going to move back into the Sanc Palace when we arrive in Luxemburg," Relena winced.
The manager sweatdropped as he noticed his new guests seemed less than happy. "Okay," he admitted, "the lobby's looking shabby -"
Shabby? Duo mouthed, his eyebrows rising to his hairline.
"- and it's got the wrong address…" The manager waved his hand aside.
"And the whole damn thing has been condemned by American Express!" Wufei shouted, leaning over the counter to glare at the man as if he were utterly crazy for even suggesting the hotel was decent.
"WHAT?" Sally grabbed Wufei's shoulder and looked at the handheld computer, which listed the coordinates for the hotel and the AARP's ranking for it…which was, to no surprise, none existent.
"Still," the manager smiled again and raised one finger to contradict Wufei, "the management is cheerful, though the whole joint's gone to hell!"
The others in the lobby, minus the Preventers, joined in. "Well welcome home to Happiness Hotel!"
As the manager bent back over the record books to mark down some rooms they could use, Duo wandered towards the band sitting on the disgusting couches. Keeping his cheerful personality in tact, he smiled brightly at them and asked, "You guys live here?"
One band member shrugged lightly. "Yea, but only between gigs." He glanced at another band member, who seemed more interested in his guitar strings. "So that means we've been here this time, what? Five years?"
A female band member, who was wearing a tank top and a collective clutter of beaded necklaces, fringe and rings, cut in. "Well yea, but like, it's okay you know like, our agent, you know, like he says, I mean like, things are really gonna break as soon as we get our new glasses!" She pointed in an animated fashion towards the pinkish/orange-tinted sunglasses she was wearing.
Sally appeared beside Duo and eyed the group critically. "What's wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed…"
"Oh," the first man just shrugged again, "he's just upset about missing the boiled eggs at the National Gallery."
Duo and Sally both turned at the exact same time, towards each other, to go back to the desk. Each had an expression that clearly read, "Don't ask".
The manager was handing some keys to Heero, who picked Relena's duffel bag back up and started looking at the room numbers printed on each. He glanced up past the balcony railing towards the second floor, noting the numbers (or the occasional imprint of a number) on each room's door.
Zechs suddenly spoke, his eyes still locked on the entire room. "Treize killed me and sent me to hell. I know it."
"Are you kidding?" Wufei snarled under his breath. "This must be part of his revenge plan on all of us, not just you!"
"Guys," Quatre looked a bit queasy. "I don't think I can do this."
"You'll be fine," Heero said dully. "Let's go check out the rooms. Relena, I'll make sure you get the nicest one."
"Heero -" Relena tried to maintain her calm demure personality, but it was slipping slightly.
"Come on," Heero repeated, glaring back at the group as he stopped on the bottom stair.
Zechs' instantly crossed his arms and glared. "I'm sleeping in the hummer," he said in a finalized voice. The look in his eyes dared Heero to argue.
Which, naturally, Heero did. "Damn it, Zechs! Do you have to be so stubborn?" He whirled around and glared angrily.
Duo snickered. "Look who's talking!"
"I'm staying in the hummer," Zechs repeated, unmoving.
"There's no where else to go!" Heero argued sharply. "There's nothing for a hundred miles! You can survive this for one night, damn it!"
"I think the Preventer branch in Denver threw some sleeping pads in the back," Wufei announced.
This seemed to make Heero even angrier. In defiance, he turned and began stalking up the stairs, muttering under his breath.
"What was that?" Relena narrowed her eyes towards a crack below the desk. "Something moved."
"It damned well better not be another cockroach," Noin warned, reaching for her gun again.
"Oh, there are bugs," the manager shrugged.
("There are bugs," the band chorused.)
"That does it," Noin snarled. She turned on heel and started walking for the door, stopping only to glare at the others, silently ordering them to follow her superior orders.
"And there are lice…" the manager added.
("There are lice," the band continued.)
"That did it for me," Relena stated in a finite voice. She went after Noin, tugging unconsciously on her hair.
The manager tried to look helpful. "Sure, we have our little problems… But you'll never beat the price!"
"There is no price!" Wufei yelled.
At that exact moment, Heero was almost at the top of the stairs, and the plank he had just stepped on gave way - along with the five preceding steps. He let out a short yell and dropped most of the luggage he had picked up to catch the top step with his hands. As the rest of the staircase collapsed, he hung, dangling amidst the dust.
While Duo burst out laughing, Zechs stalked past the other Preventers and grabbed Relena's bag from the dust on the floor. "You can stay," he snarled up at Heero. "But I'm not."
"You've got every kind of critter; you've got every kind of pest!" the band sang out.
The manager beamed. "But we treat 'em all as equals, just like any other guest!"
A random person, who looked as though he'd been staying in the place for decades, suddenly walked by Noin. "Though you're cleaner than the others…" he commented gruffly.
Noin shirked away, and Zechs quickly stepped between his wife and the man. He grabbed hold of Relena's arm, and she cast one annoyed glance at Heero, who was debating whether climbing onto the balcony or dropping back to the ground floor.
"Still as far as we can tell, you'll fit right in to Happiness Hotel!" the band finished.
"No, we won't," Duo sang back as he sauntered towards the door. "Sorry Heero, I won't do this either. Call me a spoiled Preventer."
"Damn it!" Heero growled. He dropped to the floor, his hands slightly scuffed from the wooden plank creaking ten feet above him.
"Forget it," Sally waved at him.
"Count me out, too," Wufei was already on the porch.
Trowa and Quatre turned and walked silently out the door as well.
The manager blinked and looked at Heero. "Hey, you staying?"
"No, I'd better follow them," he snarled. "Sorry about this."
"No problem!" The manager called as Heero left. "Come back sometime, okay?"
The door banged shut and the room went quiet. The manager shrugged and looked at the band. "Odd group of people, weren't they?"
"Yea, like, slightly!" the female band member agreed.
Approximately one and a half days later, the group reached Luxemburg. Relena, Zechs and Noin told Une they were going to the Sanc Kingdom for about two weeks, and were not to be contacted as they got in touch with their inner nobility status again. Even as Une stared in shock after them (for they offered no other explanation), Wufei and Sally approached her and said they were headed for a penthouse apartment for the weekend just to rest. Trowa announced he would work only if she didn't send him on any field assignments, and Quatre said he was going back to L4 and wander through every room in his mansion to inspect for dust particles…or worse, any animal that was not a typical pet - like a cat, or a dog - that someone may have left there. As Une started to say something, Heero stalked past, muttering about how it wouldn't have killed anyone to sleep with some dirt, and his office door banged shut.
"What the hell is going on?" Une finally demanded.
Duo smiled as he lowered his duffel bag to the floor to get some coffee from the simmering pot in the hall across from her. "Oh, we just ran into some less-than-clean accommodations, and Heero was determined to stay. You can imagine the insanity that followed, I'm sure."
She arched an eyebrow and put her hands on her hips. "No, I don't think I can. Perhaps you'd better tell me about it, just to make sure I have a clear picture of it all."
"Aw, do I have to? I was hoping to hang out in Sanc for the weekend, if the royal family didn't mind me crashing in."
"Well, before you leave, I'd like something of a report on my desk," Une ordered with a frown. "So I won't be quite so confused."
"Can't I just tell it to you instead of typing it out?"
"Fine," she muttered. "Though it isn't completely official, you know! You'll still write it when you get back, understand?"
"Okay, it's like this. Airport in Denver is storming so we can't get a flight out. Wufei rents a hummer and we take off on the all-American road trip to another airport to catch a flight back to Luxemburg," Duo announced in one breath. "Sun sets, Princess wants to sleep in a hotel for the night, we find this rundown dump with a too cheerful name and Heero figures we can stay there. Whole place should be condemned and destroyed, and while we're at it, the lot should be fenced off for contamination to filter out of the ecosystem for the next, oh, let's just say… ten years. Noin will be more than happy to see to that if you'd like her to. Anyways, we venture into this dump and it practically falls apart on us. Heero argues with everyone in his stubborn way, Zechs decides Treize was plotting revenge against us, Noin shot some oversized cockroaches, and the scary band members are slowly going crazy. Stairs gave way under Heero; we all left, and ended up back here. There, satisfied?" He grinned as he hoisted the duffel bag back to his shoulder and turned to leave. "I'll be back on Monday!"
Une stared at him as the doors shut behind him, and she groaned. "That wasn't what I wanted," she ranted. Then, turning for Trowa's office she yelled, "BARTON! I need a report, now!"
Trowa stepped into the hall. "For what?"
"I want to know what happened!" Une demanded. "I just had seven Preventers and the Vice Minister walk out of here without telling me anything! Maxwell attempted to, but he didn't do anything close to an official report! I don't think I even understood half of what he said!"
Trowa sighed. "Fine, it's like this. Storm at the airport. Wufei rents a vehicle. Peacecraft starts driving for another airport, the Vice Minister wanted to spend the night somewhere, and this wrecked dump appeared on the side of the road -"
Une let out a howl of frustration.
Trowa scowled. "I was just following orders! You told me to report -!"
"Write it on paper!" she snarled. With that, her office door slammed behind her, and Trowa merely muttered under his breath and went back into his own office.
And the others…minus Heero…enjoyed a weekend of comfort and luxury.
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