An RK Christmas Parody
Author: Sher
Email: sher_sites@yahoo.com
Story Rating: PG
Anime: Rurouni Kenshin
Pairing: None
Summary: A parody of a parody. The RK gang all in one house, at Christmas, woeing the troubles of the season.
The living room was spacious, with a bay window facing the front of the house, already frosted over with snow and ice due to a small snowstorm the night before. A large, overstuffed sofa rested in front of the window, with a coffee table in front of that. A wide staircase led to the second floor, with polished banisters decorated with holly and red ribbons. Situated between the wall and the staircase was a Christmas tree, not yet decorated, but waiting patiently for garland, lights, and sparkling Christmas balls. On the opposite side of the room was a desk, neat and clean and ready for use - should someone need it, of course.
There were a couple of loud thumps from the ceiling above, and a few moments later, a man stomped down the stairs carrying a large box covered in duct tape. His hard, jagged mouth was turned down into a half-frown and his bangs bounced each time he stepped downward. When he reached the floor, he turned towards the Christmas tree and all but threw the box on the ground. His gold eyes glared at the tree for a moment before he knelt down, ripped the tape from the box, and pulled out a strand of extremely tangled Christmas lights. Slinging them around on the floor, he managed to get them untangled... somewhat, anyway.
While he was working on the lights, the front door swung open, and another man stumbled inside; tripping over first, the couch, second, the coffee table, and lastly, an armchair - which he managed to land in. He groaned, loudly. The man on the floor messing with the lights rolled his eyes in pure annoyance before muttering "Moron."
"Shut upppppppp..." The man in the armchair whined."Damn! I hate hangovers."
"Well, if you didn't party all night, you might not have them - did that ever occur to you?"
"Not. So. Loud."
"Oh, Sano's back!"
The third voice most likely broke up a potential argument, and the two men already in the living room glanced up at the stairs. Another man walked into the living room, wearing an oversized green sweater and blue jeans, his long red hair pulled back in its usual tie. He was carrying a small box of Christmas cards. He chuckled as he sat down at the desk. "You look like you had a nice time last night, Sano."
"My head is killing me."
"If you didn't stay out so late..." The man on the floor deliberately broke a spare bulb in his fist as he emphasized each word through gritted teeth.
"Now, Saitou, Sano doesn't make fun of whatever it is you do all the time, so you shouldn't get mad at him for spending a few holiday evenings in a bar."
"Thanks for being so blunt, Kenshin," Sano muttered, covering his eyes with his hands.
"And what is it that you're doing?" Saitou frowned at Kenshin.
"Miss Kaoru asked me to send Christmas cards out to this list of people." Kenshin held a piece of paper up over his head without turning around. "Even though I hate sending these things. But, it’s something that needs to be done, that it is."
"I hate rigging up these stupid Christmas lights," Saitou snorted.
"Yea well, I hate having a hangover," Sano added.
"You know what else I hate? Five months of bills." Kenshin turned around, leaning his arm over the back of the chair. "And then trying to buy Christmas presents on top of that!"
"I still have a damn hangover," Sano twitched. "Which is a hell of a lot more important then five months of bills."
"Moron." Saitou turned back to the Christmas lights, stood up, and began attaching them to the tree. Kenshin shrugged and turned back to the desk, sorting envelopes and cards out. A few minutes passed before Saitou cursed under his breath and slung a strand of lights down. "Damn it! I swear, do people go up in the attic and deliberately tangle these things?"
He was interrupted by yet another voice. "Oh! I hate cooking Christmas dinner!" The door beside the desk swung open and a young woman with long black hair came out, throwing her arms down. She grumbled and leaned against the wall. "I mean, it's just too much work!"
"I'm sure it'll be fine, Miss Kaoru," Kenshin smiled as he scribbled out a nice Christmas saying on a card. He refrained from stating exactly how much he hated writing Christmas cards.
Sanosuke gagged, then groaned and muttered about his head again. Kaoru eyed him suspiciously, but didn't say anything.
"DAMN IT!" Saitou kicked the tree. "I hate rigging up these lights!"
"It doesn't help to kick the tree," Kenshin called over his shoulder.
"Shut up!"
At this moment, the front door swung open again and shut with an extremely loud bang. A huge man stalked inside, ripped his scarf and jacket off, and threw them in the coat closet. "You know what? I despise those Salvation Army guys. The ones that stand outside the stores and practically breathe down your throat to get any money off of you! I swear, if I see another one, I'm going to Ryu Tsui Sen him!"
"Uh huh," Kenshin muttered. "You certainly have a lot of holiday cheer, Master. Heaven forbid you be nice to those less fortunate then yourself."
"I just hate people annoying me, that's all," Hiko sneered.
"Well I don't want to cook Christmas dinner!" Kaoru whined. "I think I finally got a menu down, but it's just way too much work!"
"I hate these Christmas cards..." Kenshin muttered, taking advantage of Kaoru not being able to hear him while she was whining.
"Oh geez..." Sano let his head fall into his hands.
"Hey, what's he doing?" Hiko pointed over Sano towards Saitou.
"I'm trying to rig up these lights!" Saitou yelled back, rather irritated. He crawled underneath the tree and rolled on his back, dragging the lights with him, and attaching them to the bottom branches. "THERE." He slid back out, brushing his jeans off. "I think that's got them."
"Congratulations," Kenshin stated dryly.
There was a thump from upstairs, and all of a sudden, Yahiko came tearing down to the living room, colliding into Hiko. "Hey!! I know what I want for Christmas!" he pushed off the huge swordsmaster and ran over to Kaoru, who was obviously thinking about her dinner and not her pupil. "Kaoru!! I know what I want for Christmas! A REAL sword!"
Saitou went into a coughing/snickering fit. Hiko smirked. Kenshin rolled his eyes. Kaoru shoved Yahiko back towards Hiko.
"Don't complain to me about what you want! Not when I've got to cook this dinner! Oh, I have NO idea what I'm going to do!" she wailed.
"Christmas dinner?" Hiko crossed his arms. "You should make Kenshin do that."
"Yea, after all, he can cook," Sano added. Kaoru bashed him over the head, and he yelled. "OWWWW!!! DAMMIT!"
"I'm making out these cards," Kenshin snapped irritably, sealing yet another envelope. "Why don't you cook it, Master?"
"I have better things to do," Hiko scoffed. "Like track down that damn Santa who tried to snatch my wallet."
"MY HEAD..." Sano moaned. "Could someone PLEASE bring me some sake?"
"That's the last thing you need," Kaoru snapped. "But I guess I can find some VERY black coffee."
"WHAT, we have no extension cords?!" Saitou yelled, rummaging through the box. "The cord isn't long enough; what the hell am I supposed to do?"
"I think there's one in the hall closet," Kenshin answered. Saitou grumbled, but got up and began rummaging through the closet.
The front door opened again, and another man stepped inside. He slid his long white trench coat off and threw it into the closet just before Saitou shut the door and headed back towards the Christmas tree with a frayed extension cord.
"I hate trying to find parking spaces," The man muttered, flopping down on the couch.
"Kaoru, don't you have any candy I can eat?" Yahiko whined.
"It's too close to dinner!" Kaoru whapped him.
Hiko, by this time, had pulled out his wallet and was sifting through it. "Charities..." he snarled.
Kenshin tapped his pen on the desk before finally thinking of something to write in another card. "I hate this..." he muttered under his breath.
"I've still got a hangover." Sano closed his eyes tightly.
"NOW WHY THE HELL ARE THEY BLINKING?!" Saitou yelled at the tree, causing everyone to stop what they were doing to look at him. "They're blinking! What the hell does a blinker look like? It's got a funny looking tip, right?" Saitou dove behind the tree, trying to examine the bulbs in order to find the blinker. "I HATE blinking Christmas lights!"
"It's making my headache worse..." Sano whined.
Misao came bounding down the stairs at that moment, holding a flashlight. "Aoshi, do you have any batteries?" she crashed on the couch beside him.
"Why?"
"Because! I hid all my Christmas presents, and I'm trying to find them, but my flashlight doesn't have batteries!" She giggled.
"Sorry... I just spent two hours trying to find a parking space this morning - I don't want to try and find any batteries."
"Well if you go back out, buy me something!" Yahiko grinned.
"I'm not going back out," Aoshi glared. "And why would I buy you something?"
There was a faint ringing in the background, and everyone froze. Saitou peered out between the branches of the tree. "What's that?" he snarled.
Aoshi twisted and brushed the curtains aside, and Misao kneeled up on the couch. "Looks like one of those Salvation Army Santas, walking down the street trying to get donations."
Hiko visibly twitched, nearly exploded, and leapt for the door, slinging it open and tripping outside. "GET A JOB YOU BUM!!!!!!!!!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.
Kenshin nearly broke his pen in half as he cringed at Hiko's booming voice. Misao burst into laughter. "Aoshi!! Look! That Santa took off running down the street away from our house."
"I wonder why," Aoshi groaned.
"I hope my dinner's going to be alright..." Kaoru said, mostly to herself. It was obvious she was the only person not affected by Hiko's yelling and threats.
"Can you all please be a little quieter?" Kenshin asked, annoyance hinting in his voice. "I'm trying to write these stupid cards."
"Oh geez, look at this!" Sano lifted his shirt up a little, and pointed to a beer stain. "And I liked this shirt too..."
A tangled mess of Christmas lights flew across the room and hit the far wall. "One light goes out, and the ALL go out!" Saitou yelled. He turned the box upside down and dumped the remaining spare bulbs on the floor. Grabbing a couple, he crawled under the tree again and started searching for the bad bulb.
"UGH!" Megumi suddenly stalked into the room, throwing the TV guide onto the coffee table and slinging her long hair over her shoulder. "Stale TV specials. They show the same ones every year, and I'm sick of it! How many times have I seen 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas'? TOO MANY!"
"I like that show!" Misao grabbed the TV guide and started sifting through it. "Hey! It comes on tonight! Aoshi, can we watch it?"
"Aoshi, that Santa Clause is back..." Yahiko pointed out the window. "And he has a tow-truck after your car..."
"WHAT?" Aoshi jumped up and ran to the door.
"He must think it's Hiko's car or something..." Yahiko shrugged and giggled.
"Hey! Get away from my car!" Aoshi snarled, running outside into the snow-covered yard. "I didn't do anything to you! That's a white line; I can park there!!"
"Charities," Hiko sneered. He leaned out the door after Aoshi. "They'll steal your car and give it to some poor family if you're not careful!"
Kenshin slammed his pen down and glared at Hiko's back. "OH, COME ON!"
Aoshi had reverted to ninja mode by this point, and was about to kick the Santa across the street. Hiko reached in the closet and grabbed his sword, and ran outside as well, shouting something about helping Aoshi out.
"I still can't believe a turkey cooks for FOUR hours." Kaoru mused angrily. "That's so LONG!"
Kenshin stared at the list of people Kaoru had given him. "ORO? I don't even know half these people! Why the heck am I writing cards to them?"
"Hey, who's got the toilet paper?" Sano asked, looking around the room with a slight daze in his eyes. "I just got the COOLEST idea..."
Sano's statement was cut short, as there was a sudden crack, a pop, and a small explosion near the Christmas tree - and every light in the house suddenly went out, plunging everything into darkness. Misao yelled. Yahiko jumped. Kaoru screamed. Kenshin groaned and opened the desk drawer to find a match. Sano screamed and clutched his head when Kaoru screamed.
"GET A FLASHLIGHT! I BLEW A FUSE!" Saitou's angry voice came from somewhere in the general vicinity of the Christmas tree.
Megumi stomped back upstairs, muttering. "No one listens to me. I'm going shopping. There's nothing on TV... Hell, I can't even watch TV since the electricity is out."
Misao jumped off the couch and grabbed her flashlight. "Batteries not included!" she laughed, holding it out. Saitou snarled and his eyes glowed in the darkness as he snatched it from her and threw it across the room, barely missing Yahiko.
Aoshi and Hiko came stalking back inside - Aoshi happy since he'd saved his car from being towed, and Hiko happy since he'd scared the Salvation Santa out of his mind.
Yahiko bumped into Kaoru as he dodged the flying flashlight. "Hey Ugly, is dinner ready YET? I want to eat before Saitou kills me!"
Kaoru gasped. "OH NO! MY DINNER!" She ran back into the kitchen.
Kenshin slammed his hand on the desk and stood up. "I'm not sending them this year, THAT'S IT," he announced, his violet eyes narrowed angrily.
"SHUT UP YOU!" Sano shouted to himself as he grabbed his head. "All those damn VOICES! ARG!"
"FINE!" Saitou grabbed the lights, yanked them from the wall socket and off the tree, and threw them towards Sano and Kenshin. "You're all so smart; YOU rig up the damn lights!" He lit a cigarette and stalked back upstairs, cursing under his breath.
Sano blinked. "Hey, all the pretty colors... they disappeared..." he held the lights up towards Kenshin.
"Oro?" Kenshin took the lights from Sano and sighed. "I guess I'd rather do this then write Christmas cards... That I HAD."
Back to Captured Thoughts Collective